Paradox
by shipsandfandoms
Summary: She was the reason why I'm sad, but she makes me happy. She was the reason I'm drowning, but she was my air. She was my weakness, but she gives me strength. She will always be my paradox. Slight AU


**Tried angst for this. I'm new in writing so mistakes are all mine. I hope you like this! Leave a review if you want**

"Let's end this."

When those two words were said, only one feeling rushed within me. _Relief_

I smiled after a long and awkward pause. "Then go." I said without emotion and motioned for the door.

She stood there; crestfallen. But I have had enough. I feel numb. No emotion, no pity towards her. I almost feel like I don't feel anything towards her, even love. I am so tired of this scenario. I lost count of how many times this happened. Same scenario, different ways of her telling me that she's tired and she wants to end this.

"I know you're tired of this relationship, I am too! I feel like I'm the only one trying to make this relationship work. If you don't want this, then okay. I have given up on us a long time ago—"

As soon as those words left my mouth, I saw her slowly walking out of my door. She was also out of my life and as wrong as it felt, I was happy.

_Finally, I'm free._

——

"Hey, don't pass out here or we will definitely leave you here sleeping on the sidewalk!" Mike said while pulling me outside the bar. Alex is helping but they are having a hard time restraining me because I can walk just fine by myself. I'm not that drunk.

"What are you talking about? I'm fine, I'm not that drunk. I only had two bottles to drink and now we're leaving? Let's drink more! I can walk by myself so don't hold me, okay?"

They let go of me when they're sure that I can really walk by myself and I started walking back towards the entrance of the bar. Mike held my shoulders and faced me towards him and punched me in my chest. "You said you're fine, you said you're over her and you are happy that she's gone. But why are you getting drunk every night?"

I just looked at Mike when Alex added, "If you're doing this because of her; win her back. You're miserable without her."

I shook my head. "Not everything is about her."

"Then what is this about?"

"When we were together, I rarely go out because of her because I don't want her to get upset. I rarely drink a lot when I'm with her and she stopped me from going to bars with you guys. Now she's gone, I can do all the things that I want! Why are you stopping me?" I said while going back to the bar, but Mike and Alex grabbed my hand and pulled me opposite the entrance of the bar.

"What, after 3 months of her leaving you, you now realize that you two are broken up and you're starting to drink every night where in fact you can start drinking the day that she left you. Why are you realizing all of this now?" Alex said.

"You're sad, you're miserable, and you miss her. Face it, Harvey. You want her back."

I scoffed. "I don't. I was the one who broke up with her. Why would I want her back?"

Mike smirked and looked at me intently. "Oh really? that's why when there's knocking on your door you run so fast just to open it and when you see that it's just me and Alex, you get disappointed. That's why when you see a redhead in the street, and you follow her but when you see that it's not her, you'll have a foul mood for the whole day. That's why we saw you stalking her facebook the other day—"

I was shocked and pushed Mike hard. "Jerk!"

"Why are you denying it, Harvey?" Alex said. "Just get her back, okay? You're miserable without her and you know it. You want her back and you need her back."

"Don't tell me what I feel." I started to walk towards my car, they didn't stop me.

——

I blasted my car's stereo when Speechless by Dan Shay started playing. I was singing along to the song when I stopped mid-singing when I remembered one memory.

_I'm speechless_

_Staring at you, standing there in that dress_

_What it's doing to me, ain't a secret_

_'Cause watching you is all that I can do_

We were singing along to this song when I joined her for breakfast at Nougatine and when I bought her a new handbag. I wasn't in love with her yet before that, but everything changed when I stole one glance at her beside me while she's banging her head because of the song and her red hair flowing because of the wind. That's when it hit me. I'm in love with her. She was so beautiful at that moment, just being her usual self and enjoying herself while being with me. Her eyes shone bright like the sun that day. She was so beautiful.

_'Cause watching you is all that I can do, oh I'm speechless_

Was. She's now in the past.

——

I'm still driving in the streets of New York when I remembered the night we broke up. This is Alex and Mike's fault. I won't be thinking of this but because of what we talked about earlier, here I am reliving the reason for our break-up.

"_I know your excuse now, Harvey. You got busy at work and you lost track of time because of the case and you forgot. I know that already."_

"_You think I'm making this up? It's true, Donna! There was a case that is really important that needed my attention!"_

"_And my opening night was not important? You think that the case was more needed of your attention than me?"_

"_I said I'm sorry, Donna! What do you want me to do?"_

"_I want you to be there for me, Harvey! It's my opening night and you know how special it is for me for you to be there."_

"_I know that and I'm sorry. I can watch you perform again tomorrow night to make it up for me not going to your opening night."_

_She rolled her eyes. "It's different, Harvey."_

_I'm starting to get irritated and tired of this argument "Goddamn it, Donna! What do you want me to do? I said I'm sorry, I said I'm going to make it up for you and watch you tomorrow night. Isn't that enough? I'm tired of this, Donna."_

_She looked at me with tears in her eyes "Are you saying you're tired of us?"_

"_I'm saying I'm tired of arguing with you when you can't even listen to me."_

"Let's end this."

——

I don't know what to feel. All I know is that I'm not over her. I thought I was going to be happy when I'm free of her. I thought I would be relieved when I won't have a girlfriend that is demanding me of my time and attention. I thought I was going to be happy when she's gone but I realized that being with her was the reason why I'm happy. I thought wrong.

Yes, I'm tired but I still love her. My love for her is the reason why I'm still holding on. I won't let go even if it kills me.

Now she's gone, what am I going to do?

She was the reason why I'm sad, but she makes me happy. She was the reason I'm drowning, but she was my air. She was my weakness, but she gives me strength. She will always be my paradox.

I want her back; I want her here with me.


End file.
